This time last year, I was preparing for surgery inside my ear to remove a decaying bone and benign tumor, and finish with a redrafting of a new eardrum that had collapsed in on itself many years prior. Only a few months before this, I had LLETZ surgery to remove precancerous abnormal cells from my cervix, and a week later was admitted to hospital for half a week because I’d fell down a steep muddy hill that I was hiking post-surgery and ended up gushing with blood, resulting in blood clots that were like pieces of liver, which were clearly failing to stop the bleed.
This all may sound very scary, and it was for the 29 year old single mum I call ‘me’, but I was also extremely grateful for these little life-nudging events because they opened my eyes to what really mattered and reminded me of my mortality, which especially when young, can easily be overlooked, thinking we have forever to live.
I achieved so much in the few months following this —
- I quit my soul-crushing office job, of which had been contributing to my chronic depression for 7 whole life-wasting years, and I signed up for University for a chance of chasing my dreams in Marine Biology, a subject that is close to my heart
- I traveled to Turkey with my family
- I went on my first ever adult holiday (without my son) with a friend, scuba diving in Gran Canaria’s oceans
- I changed my whole personality, becoming very aware of all things around me, having a hypersensitivity to everything, and making the most of my time with my son and those around me
- I ended bad relationships and friendships without looking back
- I made a start on my first ever own business (that today is non-existent)
- I booked a family holiday to Croatia (which, unfortunately got cancelled due to Covid)
- I fell in love with someone special
- I started running and ran 50km after only 3 months
- I climbed my first mountain — three in one day to be precise, completing the Yorkshire 3 Peaks Challenge — and continued to climb many more mountains week after week
- I then ran my first mountain set — the Lake District’s Dow Crag Circular, plus the additional length down to Coniston Waters and back up the steep country lanes to the car park at the foot of Old Man of Coniston
- I got the fittest I’ve ever been through all of the running, cycling, outdoor swimming, weight training, hiking, and much more
- I learnt how to plan adventures professionally
- I went stand up paddle boarding on Lake Windermere, then purchased my own paddle board that I named Yeti, and took her for a float in the mornings along the Leeds to Liverpool canal (then sold her in the winter)
- I experienced my first ever thrilling skydive in Grange Over Sands, and fell in love with the fall
- I saved over £1000 for the first time in my life
- I…
Well, then it was the second wave of Covid-19 and tensions were getting a little high in my household. Life became stressful with all the change and go go go. I started to fall back into old lazy habits and a confusion took over me once more about where my life was going and what I wanted from it. I stopped running, cycling, swimming, working out, cancelled my gym membership, stopped seeing or replying to people, quit on my new business plan, almost fell out of love of my partner, wanted to give my angry & ODD child up for adoption through chronic overwhelm of stress over the years from being a young single parent (this is a WHOLE other story!), started obsessing over psychology and Buddhism again, spent £££ of my savings and potential savings on stupid things through boredom and seeking new hobbies, started painting (this is where a lot of it went), almost gave up on University… Life just became too much, and the honeymoon phase of the epiphany of those little deleterious blessings in disguise over a year ago was come and gone, and I started to feel lost in the world once more, thinking this was going to be it for forever.
You see, I don’t do very well in this world setup. I was made for freedom, for roaming the noisy cultured streets in foreign lands, discovering new hidden wonders, experiencing what life really has to offer; I am the complete opposite of how society is built— a mundane Groundhog Day lifestyle of get up, work, clean, work some more, do something, sleep-if-you-can, repeat for the remainder of your time. But, because of being a single parent with very little income, whose values and life goals contrast those of my sons, is fearful of the negative what-ifs more than I am curious of the exciting unknowns, holding a responsibility of having to place a roof over my head for my son, and aware of the rubbish laws of the lands that stop my in my tracks of living how I want, I have imprisoned myself to my own miserable small existence.
Until now.
Today, I received a letter in the post following my MRI scan check-up to see how my ear was healing and whether the tumor had returned — it hadn’t, thankfully. But, the scan had found some other issue — a small cyst on the pituitary gland of my brain. A quick Google search (yeah, I know we shouldn’t self-diagnose *rolls eyes*) told me that the pituitary gland is the control powerhouse of your hormones, growth and functioning, and without it, you practically deteriorate. I always predicted I would die of either brain malfunctioning or psychosis from stress-overload, from sacrificing myself to save another, or from an extreme activity such as running mountain knife edges (I’ll take the latter two please!).
Anyway, although I haven’t yet been for my check-up with the Endocrine Clinic and therefore don’t yet know the severity of this cyst, it’s got me thinking properly once again about what I want from life and that I should be living without fear rather than self-sabotaging because of all the what-ifs of the world. There is SO much I want to experience, tell and achieve. And I can only do it with the time that I have, which could very well be a lot less than I hope for. So, I need to crack on and refocus my goals, and get moving again in the direction I want, without hesitation. What will be, will be. Thank you Life for this little ass-kicking, I needed it today.
Kay x
